Winning is my pride

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

I'm way pass waking up to dilemmas over the choice of dresses to wear for the day, or which fastfood chain to visit for lunch. I used to think that it would be great if my biggest problem for the day was a wardrobe dilemma, or a holiday dilemma. But it never was. Or at least for the past two years, it never was. This path I have chosen to go, which I often reckon as one the biggest mistakes in my life, has undoubtedly made me a different person as I was two years ago. It made me think differently, act differently, behave differently. I don't spend a passing day idling around. I train 6 days in a week, 8 times weekly. I don't wake up thinking of what to have for lunch later in the day, whether to tie my hair into a ponytail to meet my friends, what dress to wear to school, whether my face could use some make-up etc. I wake up thinking of... winning. If I wanted something Chanel, I wanted to win ten times more. If I wanted a skirt, I wanted to win a hundred times more. If I wanted to indulge in Macdonalds for lunch, I wanted to win a gazillion times more. Truth is, I will never be appeased by these empty possessions.

People do not seem to fathom the whole concept of food ban that has been laid upon us. A hashbrown might not make you run any slower, and neither will a chilled beer make you weaker overnight. But it is the discipline to abstain from such sinful desires that really counts. It is the self-discipline to sit in a fastfood outlet, watch a friend devour a burger and not give in to every temptation to walk over to the counter to get some fries. A champion is made when no one is looking. A champion does what is right even when no one is looking.

I want to win so badly that the thought of losing scares the shit out of me. Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost. (Martina Navratilova) The cup will eventually be just a cup; the medal, just a medal. But winning is my pride.

Blink

Receding

Everything has started to take its toll on me. I have even found myself quite unnaturally unable to get angry about anything. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Anger begets anger. How does one make peace with the heart? How does one genuinely learn to care less? How does one hold on to the good memories and forget the bad ones so that each day gets easier? How do one recede from an undertaking? How do one even recede? My tears are words I cannot express. And if you don't even understand my silence, how do you then understand my words?

The True Essence

I'm actually appalled at how people can shamelessly call themselves a team. An individualistic team is a perfect example of an oxymoron. People enroached into a field of sports, so unbelonging and undeserving of them. And when they win the race after having trained only a couple of times as a crew, how do you then justify your team's efforts? A team of passionate individuals who has dedicated their time and pledged their commitment not only to the team, but to the sport, to their fellow teammates on the boat and to their coaches as well. How do you then convince them of the importance of hardwork when inherent talent simply turns the table around. This isn't coming from a sore loser; in fact, I ought to feel proud of this win because we won. But why do I feel so humiliated, so ashamed that you won, that we won?

I idled and saw despair in the eyes of many disheartened athletes who were held hostage to their dreams, dashed. I was neither in a position to offer comfort words nor as a figure to seek solace in. I, myself, was in a complete fix, in a conflict with my identity. I never felt so ashamed to be part of something so prestigious before. I wished I came to support my team, my school team, my sport; it was easier that way and I wouldn't be in such a predicament. But I stood rooted with a rival team instead. In fact, I cheered for any team that could possibly kicked your ass. And if given a second chance, I would have done it again. I don't know how you can call yourself a team. It makes people have qualms about what a team is truly made of. I don't know how you can call yourself a sportsman when money is at the top of your agenda. I guess money overwhelmed everything in this race, especially the true essence of the sport.

Time of Death 8.52 PM